Silent Secrets

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

To those still lurking, I'm still representing! Plus some new fandoms :).

I've been reading so much lately!

Even though I don't update as often, I haven't stopped reading. I recently got stuck in, really, a Snape/Hermione story. I'll have to update Loves Fanfiction with it, and after years of swearing off ever reading a Snape-centric story, I couldn't put this one down for a week and it was a beast.

Pet Project by Caeria: Hermione overhears something she shouldn't concerning Professor Snape and decides that maybe the House-elves aren't the only ones in need of protection.: Snape/Hermione

I've also been shockingly addicted to Sherlock and Benedict Cumberbatch. It's insane how much I love the show, and how many times I've watched and re-watched the few episodes there are. So, of course, I had to delve into the fanfiction. Stories I've read that I need to add to LF:

What He Likes by solojones:6 months post-Reichenbach, Sherlock approaches Irene with an unusual job offer: he wants to shoot up, and he needs someone to mind him. But can she remain detached whilst Sherlock spirals deeper and deeper into his addiction? A dark and frank character and relationship study. M for pervasive drug use, some language, and sexual content. Adlock. Sherlock/Irene Adler

The Way the Heavens Go by solojones: Sherlock brings John and Mary with him on a case in Florence, but he has an ulterior motive: to reunite with Irene and explore intimacy in all its forms. As the deceptions escalate, John fears his friend may be falling into another dangerous trap. Bromance, romance, and angst. Sherlock/Irene Adler

Thief by conchepcion: She only intended to get some parts he'd borrowed from Bart's back. (SO FUNNY) Sherlock/Molly Hooper

The Elevator Game by conchepcion: Molly isn't fond of lifts. Sherlock tries to fix that. Sherlock/Molly Hooper

Vows of Discretion by conchepcion: Molly is engaged to Michael. Everything seems fine. Unfortunately according to the papers she's married to a Mr Sherlock Holmes. The same Sherlock who refuses to sign the divorce papers and wants her to prove why Michael is worthy the part. Sherlock/Molly Hooper

Of course, they're all rated M.

I remember back when I couldn't bear to read a story with Harry in it, or Snape, or heaven-forbid SLASH. While I've moved on quite a bit and can read nearly anything nowadays, I can't handle Johnlock (Sherlock/John)... I just don't want to tarnish their relationship with trash... It's such a nice bromance as is.

I'm going to hunt down a Dramione tonight though. Any recs?

My life has changed in so many ways
Not just this year, but since I first moved to the UP to live with Mama. Since I first asked my husband to go to prom with me. Since I walked down the aisle too early in shoes too big, and with doubtful eyes upon me.

There are so many places I could be right now, but I'm so glad that I'm here, now living in Seattle with Seth. We just had a beautiful weekend out on Cannon Beach, and I realized that I'm one of those people I'd always wanted to be. Someone with a person they love, a family that loves them, a life that brings them to places as stunning as what's seen in pictures. I could be homeless, or living in Lake Linden with Mama. I could be alone as I thought I'd always be.

But I've got so much love around me, living a life beyond my biggest hopes. It's not perfect, it's not without sacrifices, but it's mine.

After waking up on my anniversary with all the time in the world to read a few chapters from lomonaaeren, go hiking, play on the beach, eat a few fancy meals and shop, I saw myself differently. I used to avoid the outdoors like the plague. I hated being outside, was a self-titled "city girl" with city tastes and no need to be outside for more than a few minutes. I didn't see beauty outside, lushness or impossibilities. I just saw grass, trees, and a chance that the rain might mess up my hair.

Now, I dream of the outdoors. Of mountains and rolling hills, thick forests and frigid coasts. I'm looking forward to our next hike, our next trip out to Forks, seeing the lower parts of Oregon and finally going to British Columbia. I can go to Bellingham and have a favorite place to eat, or out to Port Angeles to meet a few friends, or down to Eugene. I'm addicted to seeing new places, and love returning to old favorites.

There's something to be said for someone who once couldn't sit on the porch for more than 20 minutes before feeling germy, who's now waiting for the temps to warm up a bit so that she can go camping on Mt. Rainier.

I stop and stare at things, let the gravity of what I'm seeing swell up in my chest, and really love absorbing the world through these new eyes. Really letting them linger on Seth who loves me.
Seth Forest
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I need a mother figure...
We're moving again, and this time... it's to a house. We're moving into a house. A place we can call our home, that we can decorate, furnish, and live in for years to come. Ever since we found the place, I've been freaking out about it. Happily, of course!

We've been renting apartments and flats since we've been married. 2bedroom, 1 bath apartments with crappy plumbing, loud neighbors, and terrible insulation. Electric heat, filthy carpets, unfinished bathrooms... My last place, a flat, only had the electric heat, crappy plumbing, and an unfinished bathroom wrong with it. And looking back on it, I loved it. We decorated, made it cozy, and it felt like home. Everything we bought after getting married, all of the furniture we got on our little vacations over the years... And when we moved out to Portland, we sold or threw away all of it. What didn't fit in our cars was donated to Goodwill. My Kitchenaid! All of my kitchen appliances and tools! My knives! My paintings! And what do I have to show for it? Not a single receipt for my taxes!

And so our current apartment, which only has the loud neighbors, isn't lived in at all. We have two Poang chairs, a Hemnes bed, two Expedit little shelving things, and a Micke desk. All from Ikea. I can flat pack everything we own into a 3x6 ft area. I don't have a couch, or a dining set anymore, and I've been eating off of tupperware tops. I haven't hung anything on the walls, apart from a "Hopes and Dreams" sheet of paper with "New House" listed as our #2 goal. We haven't even gotten any of our leftover boxes sent to us, with our movies and books... Nearly a year here and we come home to an empty apartment. I guess it could be called minimalist...

Hopes and Dreams List

But now, we're a week away from moving into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. It's up wayyy north of Seattle (not in Seattle, not near Seattle, not metro, not a suburb...). #1 on our "Hopes and Dreams" list is "New Jobs." And Seth got a new job, after slaving away at Intel and complaining to me everyday, I did everything I could to change our lives again.

I'm so excited. I've been looking at paint colors, and decor, and storage options. I've been newly addicted to Pinterest. I've been looking at ways to save money by making my own laundry detergent, and house cleaners, and using rags... I realized that I have a landscaped back and front yard, and a garden to fill. I have to learn how to garden! I want to grow my own herbs! I have windows all around the house, and a mailbox by the street... And Seth's new company, the guy who hired him, owns the house. Said we could decorate and paint and update any way we want, and he's putting in a woodstove before we move in next week. One of Seth's favorite things to do is to sit and tend the fire in his basement at home. And the house is nice... Of course it is, it's owned by a residential construction and remodeling company!

I can call Seth's mom all I want, try to copy our late nights spent playing in her color box (complete sets of paint chips from all over that we snatched) mixing up color combinations and looking through color books while sipping tea. Having her talk to me about her herbs and garden... So now, I'm kinda doing all of this... nesting? Womanly activity? All alone. I wish she was here to help!

Any tips? Suggestions? Do you have Pinterest, or any kind of idea book? Do you garden? Any favorite color combinations? Or things that I have to have in my new place?

Other than that, I've been reading the Dramione "On the Other Side" and loving it. My first fic with veelaness... Seriously. After all these years, this is my first veelafic! It's not really my thing, but the fic is pretty gentle with it so far. Any new Dramione recs?

He's Homesick
Seth has been so upset lately. We went home for Christmas, and it was like a blast into the past. Everything was the same--it was snowing, it was stark cold, the stores and restaurants were the same. The people too. We got together with friends and ate at our old restaurant, Seth went exploring with his best friend like old times, and I met up with my best friend at a cafe we like.

Most of the time, though, Seth's family was arguing. Seth's oldest little brother (Lucas) has become troublesome and hard to deal with. At 15 he insults, ignores, and takes advantage of his family. Seth's mom flew off the handle at the slightest provocation, and Seth spent most of the time playing video games, or hiding out in the basement while the family argued about whatever his brother had or hadn't done. 

It was fun, of course. For me, it wasn't at all like a vacation. Instead of spending my week relaxing, reading, and staying warm, it was spent running around, cooking, baking, and having Seth's mom (who I love) say "it's just icky" in regards to my food. I never noticed before how she tramples over other people's ideas. I'd say I want to make the cookies and peppermint bark treats that I made last year as gifts for MY friends, those that I hadn't bought gifts for, and she'd say that the stuff I made last year was "icky" because white chocolate is "icky" and too sweet. No matter that everyone loved my peppermint bark--she thought it was ICKY so we had to make it from scratch HER way.

My cherry ham with Vernors gravy is a classic dish, something I have as a birthday dinner that Mama used to make for me. Seth's mom has been making it these past few years, but felt the need to tell me that she's not making the Vernors gravy because she doesn't like it, and it's ICKY. It was hard to be around her with her calling so many things icky (that she liked before), that everyone else loves. She hates sweet, salty, spicy, or seasoned things. Because of this, now no one can have anything that's sweetened or seasoned (I'm guessing). 

Anyways, despite dealing with stomping around, yelling, and one of the rudest kids I've ever been around, it was nice being home. Having real, wood stove heat and home-cooked meals. Being in a homely place with color and warmth. Seeing Seth's dog, Otis again. Going to church. 

But now that we're back (since Tuesday), Seth's just upset. He's so homesick, he's been dragging, stressed, crying. These past two days have been nothing but him texting me while at work about how much he misses home, how sad he is, how terrible he feels. He cried this morning because he was dreading the months ahead before he gets to go home again. He says he doesn't want to see them every few months because big blocks of time like that are hard on him. Since we moved to Oregon, his brothers grew a foot, got acne, hormones, and his littlest brother's voice changed. His grandparents are more forgetful than ever. His parents seem to spend all their time trying to avoid arguments with Lucas by waiting on him. Lucas learned how to drive, and Seth didn't get to help teach him.

Seth's upset that he's upset. Last time he was this homesick, we'd moved to Hawaii for the summer. We moved right back because he couldn't handle it. This time around, I made sure that he was okay with it. I told him that I would rather he be happy in the UP than unhappy wherever I wanted to live (not in the UP). He promised me that he wouldn't miss home too much and would be fine. Now, he's angry that he's sad, that he's putting me through it again, and just wont tell me what he wants. I'm sure he wants to move back to the midwest, and though I'd hate every moment of it, I'd do it for him to stop acting like someone died.

I'm pretty insensitive, I didn't mope or cry this much when Mama died. So I'm annoyed that anything I say to Seth comes off as offensive. I don't understand how someone could be this sad and miss that place so much. I don't understand how it warrants tears, stress, worry, and re-working our income to fly back as often as possible. Why did we move here if all he wants is to fly back there? 

I just don't know what to do to get him to stop being so depressed all the time. 

Really, December?
On my way to work today I found out that that Charles, my biological father, had just died of cancer. Just this morning. Now, I'm not a Charles cheerleader, only having the foulest memories of the man. But I was pretty emotional and upset--one more death, one more conflict... 

It's my birthday (EST)
I don't know why, but I'm suddenly a bit... unhappy? I was just watching the Office, minding my own business, when I realized the time... I wonder what's the matter? Perhaps, it's because I'm spending my birthday... not the way I've gotten used to (a weekend of birthday madness with Seth's family and lots of parties). Bah... So, what should I do tomorrow?

So far, I'm thinking I'll go do some Christmas shopping, maybe find something to eat... Ya, I'm totally out of ideas!

-I've started a fic for Twilight (gasp!). It's a terrible story, I'm ashamed of my writing... But, well, with the Twiverse, there's some leeway on quality!
-I have the most mind-numbing job in the world.
-I'm afraid I didn't mention... I went to FORKS. It was beautiful, and I almost cried while playing the Black Ghosts and driving to La Push. 
-As of yesterday, Seth and I have been married 5 (FIVE!!!) years :). We went to his company Christmas party (I wish I could work there), and I cried on the dance floor at the end of the night. It was so sweet...
-We finally decorated a little bit for Christmas. No tree, but who needs one? We're going home in 8 days (EST)!!


Has it really been 3 years?
Has it really been 3 years? 

With every important event in my life, a song has seemed to accompany it. On December 10th, 2009, I changed my ringtone to Misguided Ghosts. A little after 10pm, it played, "I am going away for a while, but I'l
l be back, don't try and follow me." After such a long battle with depression, Mama had died. 

And this song played again and again all night long, between phone calls from the funeral home, organ donation centers, Gazette, and friends and family. It seriously hurts to think about.

I miss her so much, and look forward to the day that I see her again.

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You wouldn't believe...
I'm beginning to think that I really need to do something different with my life! Portland seems like such a great place, but I need to take off my happy glasses and see the reality in these city-folk.

In August, the 27th, I started my new job with a social media firm downtown. Took the train every morning and afternoon, learned the accounts, did AWESOME, got compliments from my coworkers, and worked on some huge stuff. Actually helped manage one of the biggest stories in fashion history (hint: Native Americans and Fashion's Night Out LA). I also managed the company account, promoting jobs and the goings on in the office. I was pretty excited to work each day! 

And then...Collapse )
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Much better!
August was ridiculous. I've learned more about recruiting agencies and job sites than I ever knew existed. 

Did you know that agencies post fake job ads just to get a bunch of hits from job seekers? For the ones that are mildly interesting, the recruiters follow up with them, get them to sign contracts and then tell them they didn't get an interview. Recruiters contact people with "the perfect job" that they aren't actually qualified for, just to get your information in their system and a contract signed. 

If you're looking for a job, stay away from Monster and hide your contact info. I got a few phone calls everyday from people trying to submit me to companies for positions I wasn't even slightly qualified for. I made the mistake of going with one, only to realized that signing a sheet of paper bound me to them forever. If I ever get a job at Intel, there'll be a finder's fee on my head!

Oh, and they can also find and submit you to jobs without you knowing so that if, in the future, you get a job in that company on your own, they can come out of the woodwork and demand 10% of your salary for life. 

Anyways, I spent weeks between sadness/anger and little hopes and breakthroughs. I realized that my resume wasn't actually showing up in searches, it wasn't readable (too fancy) and wasn't tailored to a specific job. My profile was also way off as well. This made me so upset--I'd spent the last few weeks doing all the WRONG things. I met someone at Seth's workplace who is a Technical Writer, making a lot of money, with a sick amount of experience and people calling her for legit opportunities all the time. She helped me fix my resume, convinced me to learn some new software, and overhauled my LinkedIn profile. 

I went a week with a new hope, but was still missing out due to lack of experience in IT (the 'thing' here in Portland). But by Saturday, and another week of eating noodles and Chef Boyardee, I was down again. 

I took a chance and decided to look for a job in social media. I'd spent a year doing it, and not all companies could be as crazy as my last. I googled "Social Media Companies Portland" and emailed the info@address of the top four results. I just sent my resume, stated that I was local and had a degree and a background in social media. The next day (this past Thursday), I got an email asking if I could come in for an interview that afternoon. Holy crap! I read the website, got all my materials together, practiced my pitch and freaked out. 

The interview went WONDERFULLY. After taking the train, getting lost, wandering down a dark alley and up an elevetor, I got in to the offices and had a really great conversation with the president of the company. I hadn't prepared for such a carefree interview, but loved not getting stuck or tricked with inane questions. It also helped that I'm comfortable with the industry. I took the train home, and when I got my email open to send a thank you note, I had an offer. A regular workweek, benefits, offices, all that... 

I start tomorrow, and I'm both nervous and excited.

I'm also fearful of the drooly office dog. (Yep, they have a dog).
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